remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
