i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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