Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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