lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
