i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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