I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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