I'm laying in your front yard are you home
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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