Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
