I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
