just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
