dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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