The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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