at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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