She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
