respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
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