god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
