the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
