walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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