LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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