Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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