Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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