I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
