So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I am midnight drunk by noon
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just gargled with NyQuil
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
