he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
