Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
