i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
