i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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