i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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