Hey man sorry I got all grabby
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
