I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
