My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
