I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
