why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
