hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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