You just made me feel so damn special
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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