Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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