Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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