i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
