Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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