I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
