i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
