Farmville is her only friend.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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