My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
