he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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