1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
