I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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