Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
