I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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