I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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