We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
