Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
